I Believe in Yesterday

Today was a rough day, overall. It started out great, but slowly spiraled into one of those monthly days where it is best to lock oneself in her room rather than have to be around people. Despite feeling like I could lick the chocolate frosting off an entire cake (which I did not do because that would be super gross), I was so excited to go for a run.

I waited for dusk (my running time) like a kid waiting for Santa. I knew that my run would fix all the earthly problems of the day. I was going to take a post-run selfie and a picture of my shoes with my iPod and my AIDS Walk pin which I keep pinned to the headphone cord as a reminder of my goal to run at least some of it next year.

I could not have been more disappointed if I had received a lifetime of coal in my stocking…

I tried to run. The first 90 seconds weren’t too bad, but I developed a sharp pain in my side that slowed me down. From that point forward it was a reflection of the way the rest of my day had been: a downward spiral into the pit of despair.

My 90 second intervals were more like 30-60 seconds, breathing heavily, 30 more seconds, breathing heavily.

Yesterday’s run had been so awesome. Today’s run was more like the stereotype of fat people: We can’t run. We get winded in just a few seconds.

I took a post-run selfie, but instead of me smiling with a bead of sweat on my forehead and a thumbs up, this is what I took:

I had all to do not to caption this with such lovely sentiments as, “This is what a fat loser looks like.” Or, “Way to NOT represent.”

Then I realized something. 2 weeks ago I couldn’t even run 30 seconds; now I am working toward running 3-times that. I was feeling miserable but I got out there and worked at it. I can’t be a loser if I am learning. I can’t be a loser if I am trying my best. I can’t be a loser if I refuse to let myself lose. A loser doesn’t say, “Next time we will try harder.” A loser says, “Whelp, that’s it. Guess running isn’t for me.”

How can I not represent fat people who are trying something new, something challenging, if I, myself, am both fat and trying something new and challenging? I saw 4 people out walking today, I ran by each of them. I may have had to stop to catch my breath within a short time of running by them, but I still ran past them. I don’t think they were thinking “Look at that stupid, loser, fat girl trying to run.” They were probably thinking, “Look at her run. Go Fat Girl!” Most people don’t actually think the worst of us, there are some who do, but most are impressed when we show any amount of stamina and do things they can’t/aren’t.

Was today my best run ever? No. Was yesterday’s run better? Yes. Can tomorrow be a better day? Yes. Did I try my best? Yes. So, here is the “re-caption” on the above picture: I am disappointed that I did not complete the goal I had in mind to complete, but I persevered, I did what I could, I pushed myself, I am TRAINING, I am LEARNING, I WILL SUCCEED!

I leave you today with this thought: Sometimes there will be good runs, sometimes there will be not-so-good runs, but you will never know which it will be if you never try.